i'm glad we're now at the level of friendship where we can comfortably discuss the quality of our shit
i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
You could probably play six degrees of separation of my cock in this city.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
This guy keeps going off in the metal detector. When is it appropriate for me to punch him in the throat just in case?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
there was so much lube in my brother's closet...
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
