you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
You better fuck one or both of those bitches and bring me pictures that will make me uncomfortable
I can do at least one of those things.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
Just come get me. Somewhere there's hobo that's going to want his dumpster back, and I kinda want to be gone when he discovers the vomit.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
Randomize
