her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
As part of the off-hours team building exercises, I had my new coworkers figure out to push me back to the hotel from the nearby bars in a shopping cart every night for a week.
True. So did you hook up with pasta or the ultimate warrior
Little bit of both
If you don't wanna wax my ass just say so.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Weddings might be fun but they are not getting fucked in the wilderness fun.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
