He threw up over the balcony and blamed it on an invisible garden gnome.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Like some sort of pot growing robin hood.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
So random question. Does beer act the same as other alcohol disinfectants?
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
party at the soccer house. crumbs in my sexy panties. can't. put. pieces. together.
Randomize
