From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
Take advantage man but know that every anal bead u drop inside her will make her love u 2% more. It's science
AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!
He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
It's days like today that make me happy I'm not a porn star.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
