Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
You need Xanax blowdarts
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
Randomize
