is it bad that i shorted Freddie Mac immediatly after I heard about the CFO?
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
it was like a congratulatory penis slap
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
btw I told him that the only way he was gonna get to eat you out was if he smothered your vag with grits..
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
we need to make pact to not cut each other's hair on coke and whiskey nights.
While I agree, I dont think thats realistically possible
I mean there are real risks associated with having unprotected sex, but I don’t think I need to worry about a ghost possessing me and having unprotected sex while using my body
Randomize
