My underwear smells like fireworks.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
U of I kids don't fist pump to Sweet Caroline. Get me the fuck out of here.
Whoa, Gary Coleman died
Whatchu talkin bout?!?!
Too soon.
Don't judge me. If you're going to fall off a bed you might as well do it gracefully into a bag full of beer.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
i ended up playing naked naked monopoly and hangman with my dealer. i really love my life.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
So, I'm tripsitting Ruben cause he's on LSD, and he's starting to eat the chair because 'it is evil' according to him... I can't choose: should I stop him or film it?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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