i just put all of my beerlympics medals into my academic awards box. i would say they are my greatest achievement since college.
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
I don't know what's happening. Everyone is wearing beaks.
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You know in a few years she's gonna look like her mom. So if you're gonna hit that you better do it while she still looks like somebody else.
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
please tell dad to clear the porn off his tablet before he lends it to anyone from now on
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
Randomize
