This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.
I gave him head and we watched Fashion Police. somehow it wasn't awkard.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
He needs to stop telling me how much he respects me. What does that even mean
Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.
You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.
$645 later, she's throwing up in my washroom and asking for a cab. Hooker are soooo much cheaper.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
Roommate is hosting a 'sorority retreat' at our house. If you need to get laid, stumble on over.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
