bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Holy. Crap. I just found a hickey on my bikini line. He never got my pants off. WHO IS THIS MYSTICAL HOOKUP WIZARD?
I'm eating cake, naked, in bed. I am GREAT at being single.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
First things first, I always get more drunk than the birthday girl. Like, who's idea was it to sing karaoke? I killed it.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I slept like a rock because of your dick. I'll thank him personally later.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
how did i manage to wake up with my bra on backwards?
Randomize
