allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I made him dinner in just his cowboy hat and my boots after we did it...you should see his face :)
I got paid to fuck my boss for lunch. My job is better than yours.
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