I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
It is 8 o'clock in the morning and there is already blood all over one of the stalls in the bathroom. What has your St. Patrick's day done for you?
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
Randomize
