Woke up to a denim duvet cover this morning... why r guys so tacky?
The brown eye won't let me do that either.
i guess you could say your face is two degrees of separation from my balls
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
Nobody has ever asked me for my honest opinion on whether they needed anal bleaching before
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
He added me on LinkedIn while I was baking weed brownies in the boxers he left here... Is this adulthood?
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
Shia just rubbed his beard the way I do all the time and maybe he's my soul sister. This live stream is life changing.
I had to give myself a suppository. That was the LEAST fun I've had inserting things in my ass.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
So I FINALLY get to start out a story, "So there I was, naked except for a toboggan hat and handcuffs..."
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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