Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I thought making out with his sister would be a great way of meeting him. But it backfired.
100% of annual heatstroke fatalities are preventable deaths! Don't let it happen to you! Also, you can catch crabs from almost anything! Be safe and have fun.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
Tiny.
I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
Randomize
