I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I'm getting drunk watching the disney channel. Is this a main reason why we aren't together anymore?
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
No period for spring break; use this wisely.
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
i found you laying on the floor staring at the ceiling and you kept muttering "why" in various inflections.
Randomize
