Jerry, you need to find god
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I really shouldn't have to tell you to stop banging your lightsaber on everything while we are in college.
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
I left my parents and ran through the airport. I was like I'm not getting stuck in Atlanta tonight and not having sex.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I'll be coming off of 7 days of not drinking. No horse tranqs either. I haven't been this sober since I was in the womb
Randomize