i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...
he drove an hour to get eggs with me not even a blow job, just eggs.
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
I'm just trying to absorb as much of the fluids from the carpet as I can.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
all i know is there's a picture on my phone of him wearing my purple sweatpants and licking the bottom of my foot.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
I knew how high you were when you put a french fry in your mouth and said 'fuck, this tastes like meat but feels blue.'
He was passed out, face in the toilet, so I just pissed on his head. Serves him right
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