Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
google image searching george stephanopoulos at 1 AM on a saturday night...once again
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.
Dollar Store pregnancy tests. For when you sorta wanta know.
They have marijuana tests too!
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
he'll always be the guy that i fucked on the bathroom floor
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
When we were all out of beer you took a bite out of the cardboard beer box and said "close enough."
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
I wonder if the sex shop has any Black Friday deals.
Randomize
