Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
Sundays were made for eating Ramen pantless in bed.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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