Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON
I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day
Nothing like cleaning dried puke off your floor to make you feel like you've failed as an adult.
He said, "cum on daddy's dick!" ... I pictured my dad. That just scarred me for life.
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
well considering the guy who just delivered my cookies had to console me as i had a mental breakdown in front of him i'd say i'm 4/10 right now, thank you
Damn you are the highwater mark of the naked women in my life. Like idk what lined up but yeah.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
We stole a Christmas tree from the student center and then decorated it with everything we stole from parties... All I have to say is Feliz Navidad!
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
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