Yo I charged a $20 breakfast to ur room, will pay u back in liquor and schoolgirl panties, thx again for a fun time
Yes, one should always join a cult. At least once.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
In other news, I'm pretty sure my mom was encouraging me to have a threesome yesterday... I don't even want to start digging in that garden of horror and trauma.
last thing I remember is yelling 'sit on my face' through a traffic cone
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You need to stop showing people the things i drunk-text to you... i have a reputation to uphold here
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