So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
I just put on lipstick to sext him. That should tell you where my love life is at.
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Oh my god my purse is too heavy for me to dance with boys cause it has too many stolen sink faucets in it
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