I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
OH BABY IM HERE AND IN A BLANKET FORT
COME TO THE BLANKET FORT
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
I had a dream I gave a blow job to a guy whose dick forked off into two. I'm going to spend the rest of my life confused.
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
You know it's been a rough week when you funnel beers by yourself.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
I want to create a human. Discussion later.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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