So I had sex in the woods... it was just as dirty as you'd expect it would be.. and not in a good way.
i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Just getting around to doing laundry. Jesus there's a lot of blood on my birthday dress.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
Just took acid. Wish me luck.
I worked out twice today and you're dropping acid. My life sucks.
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Randomize
