Say something about gay babies.
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Closed my eyes in the shower and got really dizzy. Not sure if neurological or result of 4 day vodka binge. Send help.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Randomize
