in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
My vag should have a twitter account. It would be like "destroyed another condom today".
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
the table of underagers at this wedding were seated 10ft from the open bar. currently 30 open containers on the table for 5 people. dinner hasn't even been served yet.
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
He's drinking on a hospital bracelet, the fuck's your excuse?
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
