We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I mean I had a leg brace. It would have been irresponsible for me to be on top.
Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.
Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
So I'm trying to figure out how to talk my boss into allowing pajama day once a week. Any ideas?
YOU UNCULTURED BADGER
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
In hindsight I shouldn't have been blasting Antichrist Superstar if I didn't want to seem suspicious driving up to a Catholic church
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