my phone needs a breathalizer
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
but she was nice to me.
She was a fuckin STRIPPER.
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
Pierced my own nipple last night, and yes everyone did go absolutely nuts
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
You know more about his cock specs than his childhood. Proud of you
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