Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!
It's a Thursday.
I just sneezed weed. Kinda wanna try to smoke it.
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
no need to worry, I have the internet and a cape, I can accomplish anything. nothing can go wrong, I am unstoppable. Yo.
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
Apparently I missed the "You may have to jack off a horse" part of the application.
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
Randomize
