just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.
waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
I had a really bad dream about us drinking this weekend. Remind me to tell you Friday when we start drinking
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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