hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.
Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.
Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
apparently they wrote a song entitled "butt slut" about her... im thinking shes not girlfriend material.
I SWALLOWED her nuva ring. Please tell me how your night could have been worse.
You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.
Um. I literally have no words.
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
I'm starting to question if I'm gonna need to bring a raincoat just to drink around u
U act like I can cum on command
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
why are there 3 differently sized panties on our kitchen counter?
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
