How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I feel like that's something that he should've asked me over dinner..... instead of with his hand down my pants? maybe not
Seriously babe, why do I keep waking up with bruises on my nipples? WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO ME IN MY SLEEP?
Actually, scratch that, I'm not sure I want to know.
Some male strippers are here, I threw pancakes at them. It's ok
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
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