oh wait, my morality sensor is a little fucked up since I almost let my little sister's friend blow me.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
you could play connect the dots with the people ive fucked in this room
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
I was telling everyone at the frat that they had to try the "fantastic refreshment" that was everclear, vodka and country time
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
It’s just hard to believe you really care about me when u haven’t touched my dick in 2 months
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