I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
It's a lost cause. Soon she's gonna get naked, just let nature run its course
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
I have the best idea for a new business. It's going to be called "Lamb-Scape". We are going to cut lawns using lambs. You just put 5 or 6 on a lawn and they eat the grass #allnatural
YOU SAID YOU WERE OUT OF POT
..........
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Plus who wants to live somewhere tom jerked off? No one.
I didn't have cash to pay cover at the bar, so I traded the bouncer a Krispy Kreme doughnut i had in my purse
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
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