I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits
I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs
Just dont tell him. Tell him you colored your vagina for breast cancer awareness month. He will understand.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
Um. Did you take a picture of me with a giant dildo after we went bowling?
Just watched a middle age white woman scream WHY DON'T YOU GO FUCK YOURSELF, HELEN?! Helen seemed absolutely scandalized.
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You were drinking tequila through a straw.. and kept waving your arms at me and getting this intense stare down as you muttered something about jedi mind tricks.
I literally ended up in this basement and was tangoing w my friend and then I peed in a supply closet and had to be put to bed
Randomize
