so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
Your last words were "i'm gonna motorboat the bartender." then you commenced with an attempted motorboat
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Ethically speaking on a scale from 1 to morally wrong, how wrong would it be to give babies ambien? Hypothetically speaking.
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
Tell me I'm the only person you know who could punch someone at the bar, get escorted out, smoke a cig with the cop who almost arrested me AND get the security guy who escorted me out to buy me drinks.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
Why does my therapist keep calling when I jerk off?
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
You shouted “im bobby labonte!” In the process of shoutgunning a beer. He said you were too redneck for him...
Randomize
