dude, that girl smelled worse than the great depression.
She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
The heart of my unhappiness in my job is that it's not a place where coworkers and I can draw dicks on everything to amuse each other
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
I've never had someone so bad at kissing. It was like he was trying to block my airway with his tongue and he succeeded...
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
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