Rock
Scissors
Fuck
Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Her boyfriend caught us fucking and said "cool you're cheating too" and left.
You live a charmed life.
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Dude, I need a fuckin wingman and this could finally make us eskimo brothers, how can you pass that up?
You and I both know it takes more than prescription narcotics to keep our family down. See you around ten, brother.
Randomize
