Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I'm so glad you support me having casual sex with your uncle
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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