I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
totally watching dr. phil and getting eaten out right now. be jealous.
my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
it tasted disgusting. but i pretty much drank it in the name of science, and free alcohol
but i'm paying and its not a date cause he's got a gf and i'm hooking up with his roommate tomorrow night
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Randomize
