god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
OH GOD NOT SANTA BABY. NO NO NO. YOU'RE LIKE 85. OMG MULTIPLE WOMEN. NO NO NO STAHP.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
Really? A fat girl?
I'm walking her back. Chill out.
She is a nice girl okay. For some reason we are in my room though.
A bee came out of the shoe box and stung her. Even the insect community doesn't want her in those hideous things.
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
Plus he is a pilot so I could give him flight dome
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
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