he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside
I get credit on the assist, you can thank me by taking a pic of her ass under the covers and sending it to me. It would make my YEAR
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I found one of your hair extensions on the dance floor. You put it back in your hair
A stripper just invited me to her daughter's birthday. Where did my life go wrong?
Now you can NEVER tell anyone that on thanksgiving I took a selfie of my pussy to prove they don't get worse with babies.
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
I mean, don't most people have like a two week grace period where it's okay to ditch new friends?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
I hate being on my period . Did you know that by the time I'm 30 I would've wasted 1,176 days of my life I could've had sex but couldn't bc I was on my period.
Best night if my life? Time I got eaten out in the backseat of a M5 while eating White Castle. Then he fucked me. Perfect
It goes to show, Sane person, daddy doms, little girls, all of us may seem different but deep inside we all grow wisdom teeth
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