you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to
Eventually the creepy theater major quirks will come out. Probably in bed. Like role playing as the Phantom of the Opera
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
