I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
He told me to put on my big boy pants, then take them off and fuck her before he smacks me with a chair. His pep talks suck.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Lets just say my thoughts when getting dressed this morning was "vagina friendly" options
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
Pretty sure I got pink eye from the strip club. There is also still beer cans rattling around in my shower.
I'm at the store buying a new phone cause I pissed all over mine last night. Drunk me is expensive as shit.
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