we need to go to the store. i'm tired of having bud light for breakfast.
do you want me to pick up budweiser instead?
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
LOVE ME MORE THAN PIZZA CAN
Goddamnit Shari. He's not called Pencil Dick because he's good a sketching...
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Randomize
