I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
i know we're in college but you cant booty call me at 3 in the afternoon. i dont care how drunk you are.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
She kept telling the ambulance to sit down and then started crying when we told her it couldn't hear her
Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
My mom is wine drunk and on painkillers. As invigorating as that conversation was, it was also a dark glimpse into my future
seriously, who doesn't want to get shitfaced and have sex to the backstreet boys?
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
She's the good dick fairy. You buy her a beer and half an hour later the best lay in the place is asking to take you home.
I have just discovered the land of milk and honey. and by milk i mean vodka and by honey i mean tequila.
Randomize
