My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
