I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
We need to get cat food
Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
So am i just your go-to 'i found a tick on my penis' number?
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
I stole a fireplace last night.
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Turning 21 will be slightly bittersweet. Never again will I be able to get underage drunk at Disney World, now I'll only be able to get legal drunk and that just sets a whole different and sad tone for my life.
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
Is this because I accidentally peed on you?
Randomize
