when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.
who is this?
and then he ordered a "diet and rum" like the most important part of the drink was the diet.
I just saw a guy give a mop to his fat wife and say "Look, an exercise stick!"
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
I refuse to plan drunken casual sex. Just think of the monster I'd create.
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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