Im at strip club and am horny
I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.
i feel we're the only people who'd use nyquil sexually
She seriously spent 30 minutes trying to make balloon animals out of my limp dick...
...
Exactly.
Brunch got away from me. I might be a little high.
I want a bottle of whiskey to be dropped at my doorstep like a stork drops babies when they are delivered to their parents.
God what have you done to be that much in need of alcohol.
Me WANTS my preciousssssssssss
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
No. DON'T DO IT. Friends don't let friends fuck clowns.
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
I mean go ahead and let your freak flag fly but if you could not fly it in my bed that would be great
Randomize
