There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
we talked about the guy being eaten by the anaconda.. Then I proceeded to blow him
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
woke up with 8 used magnum condoms bound together by floss around my neck, thats about all im gonna tell you.
Randomize
