He's been dead since March and more people write on his wall than mine.
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Can we do a version of last night where I actually remember shit?
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
Just walked by a girl saying to her friend "honestly you coulda given me any dude and I woulda fucked him"
You should've introduced yourself
I really would enjoy sexual intercourse with you.
Most formal booty call EVER
New strategy for telling if someone is drunk: will they attempt to drink a candle if you put a straw in it?
Randomize
