i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
listen I will take literally anything I can get my tiny gay fingers on
but dude how did I get so drunk?
Pretty sure it happened right after you poured a shot of Wild Turkey into your Budweiser, chugged it, and screamed "I. NEVER. BACK. DOWN!"
You have ten minutes starting with this message to get here. Or I'm putting my clothes back on.
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