Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
What is a foreign vacation of stupidity without some fake names?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Blacked out and showed everyone my nudes. They toasted to my nudes, and I got an outstanding ovation.
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Randomize
