yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.
Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
Every night before bed, when I used to say prayers, now I just think to myself 'freshman sluts. Soon'
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Basically as long as the fan is pointed at my vagina i can cool off enough to sleep.
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
Oh you know, watching its always sunny and petting his cat and NOT fucking. I'm starting my whorefree 2012 resolution early.
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
Randomize
