How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
It could be worse. I was dumped by a guy in a kilt after he gave my shoes away on St. Patrick's Day.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
After that time I came to the conclusion that jeeps are the best cars to have sex in
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Dad hid the hash somewhere in my room and wont tell me where it is until i clean it. My room is spotless. The hash was on the ceiling fan...
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