I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
Having sex with her was like reading the Wall Street Journal.
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
My boobs grew. They knew we were going to vegas.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Florida is balancing how much this place sucks with how many vodkas you can have to cope in order to still be allowed on the plane to leave
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
