I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
just walked past the recycling bin in class, there's keystone cans in it. go cougs.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
I think being an adult is being able to say no to free shots...I need to work on that.
I thought of you this morning when I woke up in a bed with a girl wrapped in duct tape dressed as a coors light can.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
skipped tacos for a blowjob. No tacos. No blowjob. More importantly...no tacos. Wtf?
Well obviously we have a ghost in the house who’s taking showers in your bathroom and doing our cocaine.
I didn't think you were that drunk until you were trying to rub your foot on my vag under the table at the thai place.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
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