I've been thinking and really it's a miracle I haven't had an STD yet.
He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?
In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
just saw a couple drunkenly stumble over to the family planning aisle of Walgreens. inspiring.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
One eye has cum in it and the other has sunscreen
summertime
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
Randomize
