I just put lube in Matt's bellybutton. He looks unhappy.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize