I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...
please don't ever take me to a strip club again...
There is a guy, stoned out of his mind, only wearing slippers and a bathrobe in the library.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
its so awesome dude, its like im a magical unicorn or something
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
