I just met the 30 percent of the population with an STD
Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I am so juiced up on period drugs and coffee I feel like my skin is going to fall off.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
Today's been pretty great, I went and bought the new Batman for the sole purpose of masturbating to Bane
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
What the fuck dude? Now it's a "who is this?" convo going back and forth. Like... helllloooo you just sent me a picture of your penis! I'm entitled to ask who the fuck it is. I can't verify an identity by a body part.
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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